Life After Sports: The Grief of a Retired Athlete
A few days before what I knew would be my last soccer season I wrote a letter to soccer. Even now, years later, I get emotional reading it. Kicking a bag of air around a field brought me abounding joy, a sense of belonging, safety, community, and something to work towards. Then one day it just stopped. I’m not going to pretend it was all wonderful, it wasn’t. I struggled with injuries and my body’s inability to meet the demands I asked of it. I questioned my worth frequently because of the competitive nature of my sport. Mistakes in games, mistakes in my leadership roles, losing big games all took a toll on my self-esteem. There were times I felt insecure being a leader on a team I was, in all honesty, unsure I belonged on. But in all, soccer taught me how to view things in my life as non-dualistic. Frequently, things in our lives are not one thing or the other - they are both/and. My experience was both wonderful and painful. It was beautiful and brutal. It was what, so often, gave me confidence and what took that confidence away. It was my idol.
The day my soccer career ended, and the months that followed, were my undoing. Who the hell was I, if I wasn’t an athlete? What worth would I have if I wasn’t playing? Who would I turn to now if I was not part of a team? Who’s guidance would I follow if I didn’t have a coach? How do I feel alive without the adrenaline rush of a win? How do I workout without pushing past my limits and reinjuring old injuries? How do I love a worn down and injured body? I had spent my whole life as “the soccer player”, praised for my athletic abilities, praised for my ‘resilience’ to play in pain. I knew who I had to be on the field which felt safe – I had to win, and I had to present a certain level of uniformity for the cohesion needed to be a team. The minute those expectations and stories I had been told of myself came to an end I didn’t know what to do or who to be. I was left thinking, now what?
The initial grief of losing my sport wreaked internal havoc on me, I felt like I had lost a best friend. When I started talking to other former athletes I realized I was not alone. Former professional, collegiate, and high school athletes around me all shared similar experiences. The more I talked to others and read on the topic the more I realized the prominence of retirement grief in the sporting world, and how little it is talked about. I discovered a number of studies citing: depression, anxiety, substance use, and eating disorders as common among retired athletes. Additionally, it was noted that the loss of identity, loss of community, loss of routine, changes to one's physical body, changes to one's workout routine, and loss of the adrenaline rush associated with competition can lead to legitimate experiences of grief.
After months of processing this transition period in therapy, (and with a lot of patience, and frustration) I reached a place where I had an answer to most of my existential questions. I will always love soccer, and I will always be an athlete at heart, but I can be happy and healthy and not play soccer. I am worthy, I am loved, and I am known, and I do not play soccer any more to achieve those things. I have those things without needing to earn them.
If you are a former athlete feeling this grief, know that you are not alone. You have lost something you loved, a part of you, grief is a natural response to that. However, where you are today is not the end. Athletes can struggle asking for help - but I want to encourage you that it is courageous and beneficial. If you are not sure where to start please reach out to me. I would be happy to help either through counseling, or by referring you to someone who may be able to help you with something else. I would also challenge you to remind yourself that you are not just an athlete, you are a whole person. If this is hard to do, ask a loved one to describe you; listen and ruminate on all the things they have to say that are beyond the label “athlete”. Another helpful step can be to seek a support system of friends, whether that’s at work, a community group, or somewhere else. Community is one of the biggest protective factors against mood disorders in retired athletes (Trento, 2020). And when/if you are ready, finding ways to continue your relationship with your sport can be possible. It has been a part of you and always will be, your relationship to it has simply changed. Perhaps join an adult league, become a fan, or a volunteer coach. Experiencing the grief process is ongoing and sometimes painful, but it is worth it. You are more than an athlete. There is a fulfilling and beautiful life for you to live after sports.
References
Trento, Dominic, "HOW DOES SPORTS RETIREMENT AFFECT ELITE ATHLETES WELL-BEING?" (2020). Kinesiology, Sport Studies, and Physical Education Synthesis Projects. 105.
