How to be a “Perfect” (Good Enough) Parent.

I have worked with hundreds of parents and I am yet to encounter many parents who do not love their child; many lack the capacity to show their love in a way that promotes positive development, but most love their child an immeasurable amount. Most of the parents I’ve encountered express concern and care for their children. 

Yet, many of my clients (ages 4 – 74) present with pain and trauma rooted in the attachment they had/have with their parents/guardians. I had a supervisor tell me once “I’ve told my kids to get into therapy for what I screwed up on”. This wasn’t meant as a self-degrading comment, it was meant as a fact. Parents are human. Humans screw up and hurt people sometimes. To be clear, some parents do get it drastically wrong, and cause tremendous damage to their children (I am not talking about those parents). However, a lot of parents get it mostly right, but none get it perfect. I see parents trying so hard to get everything perfect, they end up getting some of the really important things wrong, and making themselves and their child miserable in the process. Parents aren’t perfect, and it is unreasonable to expect ourselves to be perfect parents. So what can we expect? We can reasonably expect to be good enough.

“Good enough”. If you’re like me, someone inclined towards perfectionism, this phrase may make your skin crawl. Why bother doing something that is only “good enough”. I learned very early on that “good enough was never good enough”. “Good enough” doesn’t win trophies, straight A’s, or million dollar prizes. Chase perfection, achieve excellence was my motto. It has taken years for me to challenge my internalized belief that chasing perfection is best, and some days it’s still a working progress. “Good enough” may not win all of the trophies, grade A’s, and million dollar prizes (it will win you some!). What it will do though is preserve your mental health, help you stay rooted in reality, and raise darn good well-rounded kids. 

Good enough parenting was coined by Bruno Bettelheim, based on the research of Donald Winnicott. The good enough parent meets their child’s developmental needs, puts their child’s needs first, provides consistent care, and acknowledges and addresses problems, but they do not expect themselves to be perfect, nor do they expect their child to be perfect. A good enough parent still meets the child’s needs, but mistakes and limitations to our parenting abilities helps our children learn to adapt and develop skills to deal with some of life’s inevitable disappointments. News flash, the world we are raising our kids to live in, isn’t perfect. Most of the time it isn’t even remotely “good enough”. Perhaps our children can learn as much from your failures as your successes. How we handle failure, something inevitable in our lives, and the lives of our children, is often more valuable than how we handle success. 

Your children will look at you like you’re a superhero, until one day they don’t. They grow up and realize your human. Extend yourself that grace. Take off your cape, and be what you’re supposed to be, a human doing good enough parenting. 

Good enough parenting looks like:

1.     Providing consistent and nurturing developmentally-appropriate care. Caring for your child’s physical, emotional, and social needs (disciplining them, feeding them, playing with them, comforting them when they are distressed etc). 

2.     Making mistakes (I guarantee they will happen almost daily), then taking ownership of your mistakes.

3.     Taking responsibility for your own pain, trauma, and practicing self-care to deal with that (therapy, support groups, meditation etc). Everyone has challenges, and your trauma is not your fault, but healing is (unfortunately) your responsibility. Trauma changes the brain, healing changes it too. Do your work, and end generational trauma so your child doesn’t have to.

4.     Showing up. Kids care about your time more than any resource you can offer. Children learn what they live, so live life with them as often as you can.

5.     Don’t worry about what every other parent is doing, do what is best for your family (and remember social media is a highlight reel not an accurate representation of the lives of other parents and their families). 

6.     Pay attention to your own needs. It may be cliché, but you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you need a break an extra episode of Peppa Pig isn’t going to destroy your child. 

7.     Loving the child you have, not the child you would like to have. Parents often have an impulse to try and create the child they want; focus on helping the child you have develop into the best version of who they are (not the best version of who you want them to be). 

8.     Remember you’re human, give yourself grace. Remember your children are human too, give them grace. 

References

Bettelheim, B. (1995). A good enough parent: The Guide to Bringing Up Your Child. Thames and Hudson.