Why me? What now? (The Questions we Ask Ourselves on the Road to Healing)
Why me? What now? These are two questions the majority of my clients often ask themselves, and me, in some form or another during our time together. They are two of my favorite questions to work with because they are universal to the human experience; layered, complex, and nuanced.
Most people ask “why me?” first. It’s a natural response to the grief, trauma, and pain we cannot make sense of. We overanalyze, seek to control and ask questions to try make sense of it. “It must be my fault as I cannot understand it”. “There must be a reason this happened and a way to stop it”…Right? Asking why doesn’t change our trauma or grief, but it gives our anxiety a place to go, a place for our pain to be processed. When asking ourselves this question people often embody the ‘victim’ (Karpman, 1968). We feel helpless, hopeless, and powerless over our circumstances. We have learned to be helpless, and begin to accept that life happens to us and we simply react to what happens. When we experience trauma or grief this is a normal response, but often times I see clients who continue to embody the victim 30-40 years later. We are creatures of habit, and when we learn ways of being they are hard to unlearn. So where can we start?
First of all I would consider this….We often stop to ask ‘why me’ when a bird craps on our shoulder, or when we get a flat tire. However, we are less inclined to ask ‘why me’ when we get the parking space at the storefront, or when our shoe size is in stock. We externalize the positive, and internalize the negative. It is easier to practice self-pity than it is to practice gratitude (and don’t get me wrong there is always a time for some self-pity). Research has consistently shown that “bad emotions, bad parents, and bad feedback have more impact than good ones” (Baumeister, 2001). In other words it is human nature for you to be more upset about losing $50, than you are happy about finding $50. It takes hard work and dedication to learn the skill of gratitude. My challenge to you would be to intentionally slow down so you can celebrate those positive moments, and ask ‘why me’. This is harder than it sounds. I recommend keeping a gratitude journal where your write 3 things you are grateful for each day to build your gratitude muscle. When we are wired to be impacted more by the negative, we must intentionally ruminate on the positive.
It is at this point people usually start asking what now? After a traumatic experience, or a significant loss we recognize we are no longer the same person and must now make sense of ourselves in this new world. This is where we begin to take action, and embody a solution-focused mindset. It is often the moment where we think “I have a choice despite my circumstances” and the empowered victim takes on the role of the ‘creator’ (Emerald, 2015). The creator takes action to work towards the desired outcomes; they feel hopeful, energized, and inspired. We don’t make this shift overnight, it takes time and commitment, and lots of small steps. I had a client, we shall call her Sarah, who’s roommate was found guilty of murder while they lived together. When we began counseling Sarah dealt with survivor’s guilt as she asked “why was I spared” (why me). She was also overwhelmed by panic at the thought of entering her kitchen (where her roommate spent much of his time). She felt hopeless she would ever get a sense of normality back in her life (what now). We developed coping skills to help her manage her panic symptoms and began by having her walk into her kitchen accompanied by a trusted friend. Each week Sarah set a new goal, gradually increasing the difficulty. She began making one meal a week in the kitchen. Soon she was making a meal in there daily. Now Sarah is able to use her kitchen as she once did prior to her trauma. She didn’t move from victim to creator overnight but with small steps, coping skills, and processing she accomplished what she once thought was impossible! Answering the question ‘what now’ is a big question to answer when our lives have been turned upside down, but by adding one puzzle piece at a time it becomes more manageable.
Wherever you are today, start there. Trust yourself. If you’re asking ‘why me’ allow yourself time to grieve and enter that space with yourself honestly. Be patient with yourself as you ask ‘what now’. Rome wasn’t built in a day, so give yourself grace. Being human is hard, and yet you’re doing it; one day at a time.
References
Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Bad is Stronger Than Good . Review of General Psychology, 5(4), 323–370.
Emerald, D. (2015). The Power of Ted* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) (4th ed.). Polaris Publishing.
Karpman, S. (1968). Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), 39–43.
